4.19.20
Hey there all you cats and kittens!
Nah I'm playing, I will not be starting out with the Tiger King reference. How are you lovely readers? I received sooo much traffic on my last post it was seriously incredible. It is so encouraging to see you guys sharing my words. It takes just a few taps and clicks to republish on your stories, share unto the world and what not. And it may not be a huge deal for you to reshare but wow does it touch my heart. Oh and the title you ask? Refreshing right!? So as I write to you now in my little makeshift desk reserved for schoolwork (or lack thereof I should say), I am periodically jarred by the deafening surround-sound below me coming from the five hour binge of Westworld my dad and brother are indulging in. No place like home, am I right?🙃
I wanted to stir conversation. I have been writing letters to many of my friends and as fascinating as the mail system is, the response time is a bit prolonged. Besides, an immediate platform like a good ol' blog post never hurt anybody:) So welcome back! Let's talk.
I don't want this post to be entirely about quarantine, it can be tiring being reminded that we are literally living in a historical event every hour (although the funny, and audaciously consistent, memes on Twitter are excused). But I have spent a lot of time with myself, my journal is nearly covered page to page, and my TikTok screen time hours are at an all-time high. While writing in my journal today, I looked back and reread what I had written and I was like.....bars. So let me share with you, word for word, what I had scribed.
"April 17, 2020: A mindset that helps me through this time is simply this: 'It could be worse'. If you spend time with the thought of quarantine, if you entertain the idea that you're limited, you will feel out of control. But I have found it is simply better to be satisfied with the notion of such, being out of control. You have access to the outdoors, you can finally hear your thoughts again, hear God again, and daydream like never before. Sometimes it pains me to think of the possibilities in the future that could potentially be altered. Thinking about fall semester of college being taken from me evokes tears and a gut wrenching feeling to follow. But knowing that I stand with an entire body of other students experiencing the same feelings, it makes it all the more comfortable knowing I am not the only one to be displaced. It is comforting to know that I am not responsible for all the uncontrollables."
It goes on but there were my main points. I think the last sentence resonates the most. With busy lives and a go-go mindset, we are willed to create a successful future and stack plans on top of one another. But instead of being swallowed by the worry and distress,
I actually find it to be relaxing knowing I am not in control of my lifes' master plan.
Absence of worry leaves a lot of room in the brain for design. And as I decorate my mental, as we all have the freedom to do so, my imagination has been RICH lately. My friend Morgan used to tell me she was a 'hopeless romantic' and I guess I never knew the meaning of the phrase until now. I have been listening to a lot of Ricky Nelson lately, and consequently have never longed for a relationship so desperately. Ah, yet another poignant example of how the media we consume is suggestive of our thoughts.. thanks a lot, Ricky.
As I was saying, I daydream all the time now; concoct little realms of make-believe, pretend scenarios, it's maybe one of my favorite past times. I met this guy on... dare I say it.. Tinder [*audience gasp*] through the Passport setting the app has enabled during this time. If you're unfamiliar, first of all good for you HAHA, and secondly, it allows you to see potential matches in different parts of the world. So naturally, I clicked my way over to Europe...duh. A few swipes later I matched with this cute guy named Jeroen. He was reallyyy cute. He wore thin circular glasses, tall, witty and just radiated intellect. Oh! Did I mention he was a Dutch? Does it get better!? (hint: it does not in my book)
We began video chatting, just simple conversation yet it was so meaningful. So complimentary too, he let me ramble on. I think the real home run was when he complimented my latest blog post. Like... you took time out of your day to read my moshpit of thoughts? I'm swooning.
We facetimed in total maybe four hours altogether, on separate occasions, and I have never met anyone so intelligent. At first, I admonished myself for having such ardent feelings for someone I had never physically met- but I tried to put it in perspective. Four hours facetiming, in millennial time that comes out to roughly four coffee dates. So when you put it that way, my feelings were totally justifiable. But like all good things, they come to an end. We don't really talk much anymore. Kind of sad, but also realistic I suppose. I'm grateful for my ten day-international-virtual romance. Maybe one day when I au pair in the Netherlands, we'll cross paths and run into each other, like a sappy early 2000s movie, or maybe not. I guess my biggest lesson from my short lived spark was simply this: The sweetest things are fleeting. And if it were my way, we'd be talking all the time. But I don't have that type of power. You'd think my ravishing good looks would be able to hold a man..smh. But in all sincerity, I had never met a guy in my lifetime so well versed and such a good listener. Men generally arent very good listeners. I couldn't even pinpoint what was most enticing about him. But it's over now. I can't control the uncontrollables, and I'm okay with that.
It is so incredibly liberating to just let go.. and know that things will exist as they should. I don't believe in coincidences, I stand pretty firm in the idea that everything is intentional. As much as you plan, you really have no grasp on what is bound to happen. But isn't that a good thing, that you are not entirely responsible for your future? Isn't it comforting to know you're not in control?
I'll talk to you guys soon. In the meantime, take care of your mental.😘
Комментарии