Don't Be Such A Prick

Maybe I am a little lost.

siighhhhhHHhhh. I thought that would feel good to admit somewhere. 

Some days I feel so incredibly discouraged. I will dramatically gaze out the window and then start weeping like I’m waiting on my husband to return from war. It’s a real and genuine cry and I wouldn’t call it self-wallowing. I just think I’m a little lost. 

But things are fine. No one died. None of my legs are broken. I haven't had any latino men break my heart lately. So if things are fine, maybe these cries are self-wallowing. How can we really know? The truth is, I don’t get off feeling sad. If anything it stresses me the fU&k out because I am much more accustomed to joy. Yesterday, while dog sitting, (one of my very humble revenue streams in this season of life), I felt like a housewife high on Valium, slowly descending into madness, vacuuming the walls and letting the bathtub overflow thinking,

“what is the point?”.

To clarify, I’m not on Valium and this isn’t my house so I wasn’t really going to let the bathtub overflow. And most importantly, I do believe there is a point… I just think I carry the weight of the world sometimes.

Sometimes, I’m a real prick. I kick imaginary rocks and complain about stupid stuff. In this season I am devoting a lot of time to this oh-so-seemingly-non-prosperous grind of finding a steady job to start my next “adulthood” chapter or whatever. Then I subsequently become cross with myself for complaining. Because things are good. So why am I lamenting? What more could I possibly need? (Well, yeah okay savings would be nice) But how can I be so sure that when I have what I pleaded for, I won't ask for more? I eat something nutritious everyday, my family is nearby, I can call on my friends when I need them, I have really nice teammates, I have a two thousand dollar laptop to write my pity party on to you now… like girl, check yourself. It's all here.

I won't deny though: things are sad. The world is sad. Politics are devastating. Current events can make your heart crumble. Moving away from places and growing older and figuring out where to live and deciding who you want to be and how you want to dedicate forty hours of your week leaves you pensive. Should my work be for the common good? How much money do I really need? Does work equate to purpose? Am I doing all that I can/should be doing right now?

In fact if you think about it too much, I mean it’ll really drag you down. Hence my whole bathtub drama.

But I can’t change all of these things, you see? I’m learning to say thank you and not have any “buts” afterwards.

BREAKING NEWS 20SOMETHING YEAR OLD LEARNS THE MEANING OF GRATITUDE.

That’s not what this is. I’d call it more: getting my head out of my own ass.

“Thank you so much God for all of this you’ve given me buttttt it would be real nice if you could get me a job lead.”

Thank God (literally) that it is not all up to me. Selfish, whiny, self-righteous me. I mean really, thank GOD, that I don’t have to lean on my own understanding, move mountains, and that I am not the captain of this ship of life. If it were truly up to me, I’d be shouting for help into a void and endless hallway. If I relied on my own understanding, own my own tiny pea-sized view of things, I would be in a constant state of yearning.

We must learn to proceed without certainty or we will just keep on recycling this loop of suffering, waiting, wishing, wondering. The caveat though is that you can dream big, in fact, they say you ought to!

So dream, but be here, too. Because what is the point of now if you’re not even there? What wasted breath and energy to be yearning for something else when milk and honey is right beneath your nose.

They use the words milk and honey a lot in the Bible to describe goodness. It really resonates with me because I love me some milk and freakin’ honey.

Everything is a win when the goal is experience.

So get outside your own stupid head and move your feet and talk about someone else for once. Then, after that, tell your friend about how cool the current moment is and then go kiss them on the cheek and then tell them how happy it makes you that they’re your pal. Go hug your parents if they’re near and then say a prayer before you eat because you can’t save all this gratitude for later.