Becoming

I’m not so sure if we become "better" people incrementally or all at once. 

Do we really grow, mature, become incrementally 1% “different” or “better” each day? Perhaps realistically we become .0003% better each day, as a full percent seems like far too ample of character development. At a rate of 1% enhancement, by mid April, I suppose we’d be perfect specimens! There would be nothing to quarrel about!

Or rather do we plateau for days, weeks, months, at a time before something changes suddenly within us? Do we only evolve in the seasons predetermined for us or is it that each day, we truly become different than we were before? How long does it take a .0003% upgrade of inward development to be noticeable? And who is the first to testify something has changed; ourselves or the people around us?

Do we experience this burst of change, of “becoming” all at once? Albeit it isn't just a one off, I assume we'd feel movement at a few points in our lifetimes, categorized by milestones if you will. Or rather do we morph predictably like a slow drip from a faucet, filling a cup beneath it in the basin at a steady and recognizable rhythm?

Are people all destined for the same level of “betterness”? 

Imagine that the spring time is somebody’s “burst”, or namely their most concentrated flourishing window to improvement. Each day they wake up an inkling better of a man than they were the day before. Momentum builds and confidence rises from March to May and our man thinks to himself, “Now this is my season!” But just as it goes every year, the temperature rises and the tender breeze turns into a suffocating mugginess. The beauty of pink and white blossoms of spring billowing about are overtaken by the distracting thick heat that rises inside the throat and seeps into every orifice. Suddenly, it gets hard to push through the heat and the driving force towards betterment he had built has come to a halt.

Now it's summer. From this point on our human will clutch onto the newness that he’s become in his window. Stats report him to be .0011% more decent than the year prior and his mom is pleased he calls her more often than before. Alas he remembers to put the toilet seat down in the bathroom he shares with his girlfriend. But he is still an ass in a multitude of different ways. He is expected to tread on with grace despite exiting his flourishing window. He remains plateaued at his .0011% increase of common decency, stalled as the being he has become in his spring; idled as the son who calls with a bit more frequency but gets his mom the same Christmas gift as last year. Now he is the new romantic partner that puts down the toilet seat but he is still the old one that doesn’t help with the dishes. His burst of betterment has left him moderately half baked, but regardless, .0011% better of a man that has been curated in the spring time.

I know it's an abstract way to think about growth, borderline science fiction even. In fact I don’t perceive humans to operate this rigidly nor does it really jive with what we know about life. Can conscious and sentient beings ever really plateau "betterment" if we are constantly receiving interactions to reshape our ideas about the world? Even the tulips in April still germinate and wriggle their roots through the soil in autumn.

Then again, perhaps not everyone is apt for change. 

But if this theory were to be true, that people’s lives change in little bursts,

I think I became .0003% of a gentler human this weekend.

This saturday I had my jiu jitsu competition. It was something I had been training for a while now, and I don’t find myself often anxious. But oh this time, I was indeed nervous! I had four matches, I had been crabby and carb-free since monday, and one girl I was up against was a collegiate wrestler… yikes!

It wasn’t until I actually arrived at Dorton Arena and hung out with my oh-so-chill coaches that I felt that the pressure was off and that there was no one to disappoint really. My former gym in Spain (that I love) and where I trained jiu jitsu for the first time, had a very intense competition culture. At the time, I guess it was what I needed to perform, to generate momentum to push past the very wretched growing pains of learning a martial art. (Read more about my journey in the post"Damn Border Collies") Maybe in a nostalgic and mildly sadistic way, it reminded me of all my intense competition years playing volleyball. Either way, I'm overjoyed that I had those people when I did.

But now, that same culture probably would not meet me where I am. What I felt Saturday was that there was no pay off really for performing, and nobody was expecting me to become .0003% enhanced in anything specifically. Maybe practicing composure, sportsmanship, heck, stamina I guess. The real pay off, the embodiment of my rate of improvement, was simply coming to my wits and realizing that I was surrounded by these new friends I’ve made in what feels like a short time. Teammates that cheer one another on and share the day with you and coaches that give a shit about you as a person before how you play. I certainly think God knew what I needed when he put me at The Exchange this year. He typically does, that guy.

And the goodness doesn’t even stop there! After the jiu jitsu competition, an old friend of mine that I never get to see stayed the night. If you know me, you know that I love hosting and was more than happy to treat her to matcha, lay fresh towels out for her on the bed and make her a lunchbox for when she hit the road. She drove four hours to see me! Most of all, it was nice to be with someone you love and that knows you well. We went to watch Luke’s jazz band play and boy, never am I ever disappointed tapping my feet to a boogying beat. I ended up reconvening there with some boys from my high school and squealed seeing how grown up everyone had become. One is even a professional football player now… I mean how many professional football players do you meet?! My side was in stitches the whole night. OHhhhhHHh how we laughed.

I had felt like myself again. It felt revolutionary even to have a day surrounded by people that have known you then and some people that know you now, and both parties still choose to spend time with you.

I think my burst of "betterment" this weekend was my awareness alone, that this indeed is a very groovy life.

Gabbie is in Raleigh!

yeahhhh jiu jitsu

some of my fave cheerleaders