10.3.22
This may or may not be a blogosphere or just another journal entry- I am since undecided. Yesterday, I almost exploded. I can be alone, it’s no problem. But said alone time is a thrive when I am warm and/or stimulated. Riding a little bikey on a hot Dutch day through the village ain’t no thang. A warm Italian beach nude and happy? Im game. People-watching on a bench with maybe a gluten free nom in hand and sun on my neck… here for it. Very content being by myself. But I don’t know… when I am in a house and it’s raining outside… or worse .. COLD! I guess I just really deeply long for someone to share that with. Even if it’s just reading a book in silence on separate chairs, or the audible intermittent slurps of tea, or hearing the rustling of a pillow aside from your own… I’m into it.
I’ve always been told I am a people-person, golden retriever energy, yadayada. Yet my mom and brother get on my case with the, “You know it’s okay to be alone, Brynn?” Uhhhhhhhhhh yesthankyousomuchIamindeedaware. However dear mother and brother, I firmly believe this moment would be all the more scrumptious with another human to share it with.
My life has been really beautiful lately. I’m in this cozy, colorful nook with a new friend and roommate in my life I really cherish (hi der Molly). I can walk downstairs and pester my other two housemates that allow me to dote and love on them and shower them with unsolicited hugs. They share their coffee grounds too, the ultimate offering. My environment is matched with peace and collaboration and cohesion and I could not be more content.
I am trying to suck every morsel of fun out of my senior year of college. A feeling that circles me back to similar quandary as my freshman year- so many things to do, so many people to see, so little time. Oh poor blue haired 18 year old Brynn, if only you knew how good it was gonna get!
I think the pressure has subsided, though, as far as doing everything and all at once. In fact, I have never been so present before, I think like…in my whole life. Before I thought a lot about the future and tomorrow- what exciting things am I GOING to do? I reckon I still have a similar intensity now, but my presence is grounding. She is a little louder and forces those invasive ‘tomorrow ideas’ to hush and slow. I think I’ll always be a little bit in the clouds, but now it’s more of a stratospheric altitude than mesospheric … if you science nerds are pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.
I wish I could tell you all my lessons learned this summer while backpacking in Europe. I wish I could somehow poetically encapsulate whey I’ll never return to Italy as a solo traveler again, I wish I could convey how quickly you can learn a language when you’re serving coffee and gebaakjes to expensive clientele, or moreover, I wish I could convince you that the freshest and crispest water does actually exist in a waterfall in Norway. I wish I could share that.
It was a privilege to be able to explore the way I did and meet the people I was able to. It was a fun time, but as I mentioned before, where I am this very second as I write to you is so rich and sweet, I want my brain to stay here. I’m grateful for these summer memories, immensely grateful. But they’re not right now and right now is what’s so cool. So yeah lets talk about right now.
I went on a date today. He’s a cutie. He’s on exchange from Perth, Australia. Stupid tall, wildly intellectual, and really friendly eyeballs, checking the boxes. He actually inquired about my blog, but I got bashful and forgot about what silly words I had written at the ripe on-the-cusp-of-voting age of 17… so I changed the subject to something else, and revisited the trusty “Brynn’s thought bubble” after he had left. I’m not ashamed or anything but uhhh… yeah there are other things to talk about I guess rather than my archaic babble.
Is it so bad to not want to be alone? My brother and mom reminding me it’s okay to be alone after whining about it. But hello!! Call me an enthusiast but it’s more fun to share this life with other humans. Especially when they show you new music. And when they are a cute boy. I love all these people that surround me. I love figuring out ways to love them best. And I love when they know how to love ME best (like responding to my letters hehe Logan). Gee wiz what a hoot it would be to be a postwoman, delivering all these interpersonal and stamped exchanges doorstep to doorstep. I’m about to look into that industry….
One last thing…
This blog has been for the most part optimistic so it feels warranted for a teeny sprinkle of cynicism. A little drizzle of affliction and quandary.
The following train of thought is a fickle one. It derails me and propels me. It carries me through hard things and also stops me dead in my tracks at times. Maybe most existentialists and absurdists burden this too. I feel like it is easy to feel like something small and minuscule is the product of worldly cause and effect.
There is this weird middle ground between, Everything serves a purpose and it’s trusty counterpart, Literally nothing matters. I juggle the two narratives often, but I often find myself stuck between them both. “Aha!,” goes the inner voice, “it’s all part of the Plan.” (And whatever divine plan you cling to, or even lack thereof, let there be substitution in this).
Sometimes the ‘Plan’ is enough. But other times I remain very much insatiable. I idealize different solutions, I testify against the outcome of things. I refute a natural ending and seek more, because well… nothing really matters.
It’s a plague of a thought pattern. Vicious cycle, that one.
But I can’t help but end being enthused by something. Whether it is the real outcome or just the idea of one that likely isn’t in the cards. Sometimes the moping turns into a fruitful imagination and alas, I must turn again to the melatonin at night.
It’s difficult for me to sleep sometimes. I’m excited about everything- the things that are happening, could happen, probably won’t happen but it’s fun to imagine anyways. I think that the sun sets too quickly, there aren’t enough hours in a day, there aren’t enough years of college, and by golly there isn’t enough patience for me to wait on this Aussie to ask me on a second date.
Such trusty babble readers you are… thanks for the space to ramble! Drink some warm coffee today:D
Or just decaf if you’re into that.
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