Not So Studious

I’ve been a Christian for a long time, but I have never been particularly studious.

It’s paradoxical and ironic. I’ll explain why.

I liked school. I liked community building and making friends and talking to people different from me and all those aspects of institutionalized education. I’d pay attention in classes that appealed to me, which were mostly English and literature classes (if the book assigned was interesting enough). In college when studies got broader, I leaned into cultural anthropology and sociology.

I'm a woman of the arts and humanities, what can I say? 

I found philosophy particularly fascinating as it challenged my preexisting patterns of thought. My lens of the world, my foundational beliefs about God were tested and tried for the first time.

IS the chair really a chair? Can we be sure that we exist? What was all the talk with Descartes and demons?

Alternatively, if the class didn’t excite me, I wasn’t paying attention. In fact, I probably didn’t even go to class and I certainly did not do any extra studying on my own time.

Maybe if I knew the value of networks like I do now, or if I understood the financial investment of college I would have “tried harder”? Maybe I would crank out calculus for FUN these days or I would have learned more in biology outside of the indelible fact that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. 

Orrrrrrr maybe not because we all ended up with a degree, a sash, some cords and an additional section to fill in the name of our higher education institutions on resumes and LinkedIn pages.

All of this to say, by nature, I am just not studious.

But despite my lack of studiousness and perhaps faltering academic discipline, being a student is still a large sum of my identity. I still consider myself freshly graduated and have spent more time in school than out of one. I mean we are ALL students, all the time. Albeit passive ones; receiving information about the systems and communities that surround us and that shape our lives. 

But as far as those in active pursuit of knowledge, well that is typically carried out by people enrolled in school, a monastery, or in apprenticeships. Monks, nuns, rabbis, other believers of the Divine are lumped into the same category as all the nicotine dependent 20 something year olds stuck in situationships and thousands of dollars of debt in university loans. They are all students.

It could be that maybe even the rabbis and nicotine addicts took an approach like mine, just paying attention to the things that interested them. But indisputably so, being an active student will bear you far more fruit than being a passive one.

But alas, I took a similar approach to Christianity as I did my traditional schooling:

The parts of faith and religion that interested me, I listened to.

I like learning the Hebrew translation for things. Shabbat Shalom! I like the way the KJV sounds with “thee”, “thine”, and “thou”. I like the geographical maps of evangelist pilgrimages in the Middle East, theophanies, and learning about angels and demons. I was really enchanted by the story of Lent for a while there, but I plugged my ears when my uncle would talk about the Rapture at the dinner table and I didn’t often read the Bible outside of church.

I was present when I wanted to be. Nothing exemplary.

I liked  Wednesday night youth group because we pretty much just hung out and laughed and ran around the church parking lot and ended in prayer. 

I did not like choir. My mom would drop me off and instead of walking up to the classroom, I sat in the stairwell and listened to music on my iPod, tapping my foot on the windowsill overlooking Six Forks road while munching on foraged vending machine snacks. 

This went on for months until one Sunday evening, when choir was typically held, Mrs. Mays caught me in my defiant act of disobedience and mischief. I kid you not, she drug me by my ear to the choir room as my fruit snacks bounced out of the bag in my hand and unto the linoleum floor. When I entered the classroom, they choir teachers didn’t even know that I was part of the attendance list because I came so scarcely. If ever. 

I liked serving with the church. Apart from the occasional community service, I went on mission trips* to different states and countries and was typically asked to help run Vacation Bible School for the little kids. Perhaps they selected me for the role because of my oh-so-jubilant and child-like disposition. We’d play games and I’d tell them about how Jesus was the son of God and we’d swap bracelet making tips and sing worship songs then go run outside. 

*more on this in a coming blog post. Look out for "Bible Thumper".

That is pretty much it. 

I mean whether they remembered the name Jesus when there wasn’t a bunch of random people in front of them talking about him, I’m not really sure. And frankly nor will I lament if it isn’t so. It was just fun to connect with people from different backgrounds and cultures and talk about something much bigger than any of us. We are so small and dumb by comparison.

All of this to say. I guess I felt like my efforts as a Christian were enough.

I was a student. I was enrolled per se in church. 

And I hate to say it, ohhhhhhhhhHHHH, it pains me to say.

But like maybe studying does pay off in some way.

Because in the mere month and a half that I have been reading the Bible everyday and consuming the material myself versus being spoon fed by it all, a lot of things have happened. I'm uncovering the long history of ancient times written by apostles who actually lived it. I'm understanding that some verses feel so restricting and limiting are often carefully curated for protection of our hearts . I feel like I am arming myself with a direct-citation-rebuttal the next time I flounder to explain why I even call myself Christian.

Being a passive student in faith means you will probably hear about miracles, basic rules, and you'll know what Easter means. You'll go to church, you'll chat, sing, and then you'll leave. I dare to consider this all just the syllabus.

Taking an active role as a student of the ideology and history you use to steer your life choices, well that's kind of what you're supposed to do anyways.

Ugh. I hate to admit that maybe studying is a good thing.

Eddie being a good and active student of my own morning musings.