9.12.19
Hey I turned 18 seven days ago. I am an adult.. for the rest of my life. Holy sh!t I'm old!
I hope you enjoyed that brief, straight to the point read because that is all you're going to get from this blog post. Nothing is short and straight to the point these days. Things are complex, complicated, and they all require HOURS of thinking.. or so it feels like they do.
I think it's my fourth week in college and frankly, a lot has changed. It's been a while since I've been the person I love. Now there is this mold of myself that I was never really acquainted with before, this introverted, unsure girl is who I am greeted with now. She's still pretty cool given the right circumstances, but she retracts a good bit and is uneasy about all of her decisions she is making. She doesn't feel that special warm birthday glow that she has the past years, but now is estranged from the idea of celebrating herself. Things are different now and her inability to decide if it's for the better resonates a gloomy feeling within her. But let me give her a little bit of a break. Theres this whole new environment and a billion and one ways to write history, no wonder little miss thrill seeker is feeling conflicted.
In high school it's easy to feel self-assured and valued, loved, appreciated, yanno all that good stuff. You're surrounded with people you know all the time. I really enjoyed that aspect of high school.
Now...um.. it's just different.
You really have to push yourself to do things, they don't just come to you. For example, if you want to be a part of the club volleyball team, you have to seek them out. If you want friends, you must seek them out. There aren't just a million copies of a fellow freshman alliance sign up sheet floating around. Wouldn’t that be great though..?
Also, college days are apparently some of the most pertinent years of one's life. For me, this puts an incredible amount of emphasis on my every decision, making every choice feel colossal..and that sure does become draining.
And then there's that conflict. I'm unable to title it unfortunately but maybe you know the battle. You want to stay and just do your work, watch a movie, snuggle up with a book in your newly laundered sheets so you can be prepared for the gym at 8am the next morning. But the other part of you gets bored of the nurturing routine and knows you should go out and DO. FEEL SOMETHING. Get sh!t faced and walk all funny. Then it's.. wait this isn't me. I'm not the party type. College is changing me, who am I? I'm so unsure of myself, I regret doing this.
Didn't you become exhausted just reading that? I am not used to crying this much. It's not who I am! I am not dramatic! Okay sometimes. But everything just feels like such a big deal, but also so insignificant at the same time. I thought writing would be a catharsis but it may only be confusing you readers more. So I'm sorry about that. You signed up for the good and the bad, my friend.
They say time and time again that routines are good, get in a routine, make a habit. But I crave spontaneity again. And some vegetables. I've been craving those too.
Then theres that grass is greener effect. Now I know this is definitely not just me. You do what you do and you enjoy it, but then there's that sliver of your being that robs your joy. Because you look outside your window and see a group of strangers hanging out and think "Wow must be cool to have a squad like that," or you peep snapchat and everyone seems to be practically boasting about their lives. But on the flip side, I've witnessed it happen outside of my own experience. I’m at a mediocre event, average heart rate thrill, and someone whips out their phone to capture the moment, hyping it up and you're like…
bro, there's nothing to flex right now.
But I suppose I'm asking for the world here. I'm asking for people to just be themselves on the internet. HA! What a far-fetched dream. I'm trying to to deliver some vulnerability here, guys.
But people are nice. My brother lives only a mile away. I made the club volleyball team and the girls are good (we play Virginia Tech next week!) I still have some friends from school that are here, I just wish to expand is all. I still have hope things will turn around, I'm not in a total pit of desperation. Maybe in my next post I will be THRIVING. I just want this college thing to live up to all the talk. In the meantime, I'll be dedicating my life to passing Spanish 2003.
I'll see you when I see you:)
Sincerely,
An Afflicted and Sad yet Still Slightly Hopeful Freshman
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