3.28.20
It's been so long since I have felt this way. This warm, hug of a feeling. This power that just swallows me whole. That squeeze on either side of the bottom of your neck, that reassuring touch that reminds you to relax and release tension. Jeez, I missed it. Lord, I missed you.
It may be hard to find the words to describe this obstacle I have faced for months now, but I pray that God will move my fingers to type the right direction. I have felt so different, so 'off' lately, and it hasn't been since recently that I finally recognized my roadblock. Perhaps you're familiar with the indifference I have experienced; it's a pest, it's a bug that won't leave you be and you want nothing more but to curl your fingers together and flick away with all your might. I suppose a small little insect could give the feeling form, an insect like a gnat. It is very small and doesn't hinder you completely, but it buzzes in front of your eyes and clouds your vision. You could be in a meadow of pure bliss and happiness but there is that pesky little gnat still lingering in front of your face.
This gnat I explained is my equivalent of feeling unsatisfied even though you're happy. Even amidst a giant meadow of joy, you can't help but feel like it isn't right with this unidentifiable nusiance. Consequently, you become cross with yourself thinking, "Look at all this good, why am I not full inside?". For months I felt like I had been on an auto pilot, like I was never fully present. If you have never felt this before, it is frustrating and very lonely. When you cannot compel yourself to be present, you become a passenger in your own mind and you simply go through the motions. It wasn't until just a few days ago I was able to identify this cause of living on this auto pilot.
I was cleaning out my room, a very deep and meticulous clean (thanks quarantine), and I dug out the plethora of old journals I stashed beneath my bed. I have always enjoyed writing, obviously considering the platform I'm using to communicate with you this very second, so I have journals dating as far back as age 7. I filled my arms with tattered books to relocate them to their new home on a shelf somewhere. But upon looking down in my arms, I saw one very recognizable. I set down the others, crossed my legs and plopped to the ground to investigate the content of these papers. Upon opening, I recognized it immediately that it was my old prayer journal. I scribed my prayers every night from ages 12-14 and what I found was simply astonishing. The things I had said, the eloquence with which I prayed for people, I translated such deep emotions and connected them all to God. I was so incredibly moved. I desperately craved to be this girl again. I remembered what I had been longing for this whole time. I craved running to God's arms every night and talking to him.
I craved my identity as a Christian.
Throughout freshman year in college, I would shy away from any experience to grow in my faith. I felt like I was at a stopping point. People knew what I stood for and I was content with the reputation I had. I didn't want to lean too far a certain way that it would cancel out some groups of friends I would otherwise be acquainted with. But what an incredibly foolish way of thinking. What a stupid, stupid mindset. You can't simply halt faith when you no longer want to grow. Faith is persistent, it does not halt. Why was I turning from who I was? From who I was created to be?
The more and more I spent away from faith, the less familiar I felt with the Lord. When I did go to church or small group, I found myself welling up during praise because I knew that I hadn't been consistent. I know now that feeling of conviction I felt was God pulling me back in. But contending with that loving pull, was this intangible wedge that existed. That I never addressed because of discomfort, and as time went on, I slid further and further from God. Consequently, there became a distance between us, that it felt unfamiliar when I had any opportunity to revisit Him. I felt like an outsider going to church. I wish I knew then that He never moved away from me, that He never deserts any of His children and maybe I wouldn't have felt so lost.
I attempted to proceed on my own. Instead of cultivating my faith, I turned to extrinsic beautification. My goals to look and feel a certain way, I thought would bring me something to celebrate and rejoice about but I couldn't help but still feel unfufilled. I prioritized building habits to meet my goals that I hardly ever set time to talk to God. And like any friend that you go a while without seeing, it becomes more difficult to will yourself to make conversation again. "I will be happy when I reach this goal, when I look this way", I would say to myself. What I didn't realize, simultaneously as I was working on my exterior, my spirit was withering. I abandoned watering my soul. I forgot about nurturing my relationship with my Creator.
When freshman year was cut short because of the coronavirus, I was really devastated. I had made so many friends and thoroughly enjoyed all my classes.. I didn't want to go remote. But what I was granted was the most special gift I could ever receive, an invitation to sit with God again. It is a tear inducing feeling to know I have returned to my Father after so many months of being a bit clouded. I knew something was off, but there were so many changes it was challenging to pinpoint the source. Since my rediscovery, I have felt the richness of life again. This testimony does nothing more but compel me to continue walking with Him. I am just so eager to continue growing with Him. This struggle has taught me to love your roots. I love the "Bible Brynn" comments that I tried to outgrow. Who wouldn't adore being classified as a child of God? My thirst for feeling whole again has finally be quenched.. God is so good.
"You can't hate your body into a shape you will love"
Yesterday I was struck with yet another quote on my TL. Allow this to be applicable in a different light, not only body shape (although still relevant) but overall circumstance. It would be rephrased as, "You can't hate your circumstance into a reality you love." What a vicious cycle we live in disliking what we are, where we are, who we are until something changes. Just never being satisfied until you do this.. until you have that .. until you look like.
Happiness is not something you design for the future. Happiness is here and now. Because trust me on this one, if you postpone happiness for the future, the "future" will only get further and further.
Damn if i listened to my own advice i would be so much better off.
I just want to thank you guys for reading this too. I know that blog posts can get long and wordy but it always means the world to me when people take a few minutes out of their day to read them. If you've been a reader for a while, you'll know that this quite the 180 from my previous post "Craving Veggies and Excitement". Yay for growth! Yay for life! Who wants to celebrate the good ol' days with me???? 😊🥂
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